Words Can Harm and Words Can Heal

Pen is mightier than the sword

Words, both in written as well as verbal communication can give us oceans of information.

Even the unsaid nuances can also say a lot about a person. The hesitation, the evasiveness and the way one speaks, everything as a whole combination can convey meaning and help us understand people. We all can make an attempt at understanding what people are saying without words, not only will that help us in understanding someone's inner motive but also it can heal our relationships and make them better. This is not the same as mind reading (Actually, there is no such thing as mind reading, we only end up assuming things about the other person which are filtered through our biases and limited understanding) 

The power of words and the impact it has on people can make or break lives. 

Words can harm us when spoken at the wrong time and when we are especially feeling vulnerable.

When you give your heart to someone special and serve it on a silver platter and you are in a vulnerable position, imagine someone stomping on your heart and rejecting it. "It's nothing personal", "it's not you, it's me". 

Or if you are in the field of academia, the feeling of inadequacy or self-doubt would seem very familiar. The submission and re-submissions or papers can really break someone's spirit. The initial passion often gets rejected over and over again till the time, you accept that, it's okay not to expect much. Forget about getting praised for your efforts, but imagine getting negative feedback after negative feedback upon submitting your best work. 

This cycle can really breed self-doubt amongst even the best and the most stalwarts and stellar performers. They may be successful in the eyes of the world but still a fool in front of their research guides. 

Often after listening to constant criticisms, you begin to internalize those voices and cause internal suffering to yourself. 

This is how words can have a harmful impact on you. 

I am not going to suggest tips on how you can fix this situation, because all of us are different and what works for me may be different from what works for you. Often having the realization about the impact of (perceived negative) words is enough. (For us to understand from where the root of our problem is situated/located/lies)

Words can heal/ soothe people too. If words are the culprit, then they can help too.

We are often dumbfounded and are speechless when we have to talk to someone who has experienced the loss of a loved one. 

Following is a list by David Kessler (an author who has worked extensively on grief), which I have compiled for you, if you are experiencing the same speechlessness. Using these words and not using some of these phrases can help you deal with one of the trickiest situations that we all are going to face in our lives.

The Worst Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1. At least she lived a long life, many people die young.
2. He is in a better place.
3. She brought this on herself.
4. There is a reason for everything.
5. Aren’t you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now.
6. You can have another child still.
7. She was such a good person God wanted her to be with him.
8. I know how you feel.
9. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
10. Be strong. 

The Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief

1.      I am so sorry for your loss.
2.      I wish I had the right words, just know I care.
3.      I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in any way I can.
4.     You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers.
5.      My favourite memory of your loved one is….
6.      I am always just a phone call away.
7.     Give a hug instead of saying something.
8.     We all need help at times like this, I am here for you.
9.      I am usually up early or late, if you need anything.
10.  Saying nothing, just be with the person.

Most of us fight and resist loss throughout our lives, not understanding that life is loss and loss is life; life cannot change and we cannot grow without loss. There's an old Jewish saying that if you dance at a lot of weddings, you'll cry at a lot of funerals. This means that if you are present at many beginnings, you'll also be there for many endings. If you have many friends, you will experience your share of losses.

If you feel that you are suffering great loss, it's only because you have been so richly blessed by life.

The love you have felt and the love you have given cannot be lost.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always contact your qualified health provider before implementing or modifying any personal growth or wellness program or technique, and with any questions about your well-being.

REFERENCES

Healyourlife.com. (2018). 10 Best Things to Say to Someone in Grief. [Online] Available at: https://www.healyourlife.com/10-best-things-to-say-to-someone-in-grief  [Accessed 26 Dec. 2018].

Kübler-Ross, E. and Kessler, D. (2000). Life lessons. New York: Scribner.

Failure: Be my Friend

Failure is inevitable

“Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all- in which case, you fail by default.”- J.K. Rowling

There is something about failure which is so attractive, we always grow in life because of failures.

Doing Things worth doing: ­-

Failure is an indication that you are doing things worth doing. Unfortunately, your standards are set so impossibly high which is invisible to other people. But the moment you fail to reach your set goals, you feel failure, which can explain why other people never judge you as harshly as you do and often you feel trapped in a phenomenon called Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter Syndrome: -

Have you ever felt as if you were surrounded by all intelligent and talented people in the room which made you doubt and downplay your own abilities?

Or

Do you feel like a fraud when you achieve success and in turn feel, it was just good luck and any moment you could be exposed or you are a one hit wonder?

It happens to everyone or at least the majority of us, everyone has self- doubts and knows something you don’t know.

But here’s the catch, you are a unique individual and therefore, you bring to the table something which other people do not. Your presence is indispensable.

For instance, your knowledge about the pastry recipe you learned by watching MasterChef is unique to you (at least, in your understanding of learning the recipe), so feel free to share it with others.

Sharing your talents with the world will together contribute to everyone’s knowledge of the world, making all of us fuller individuals. Don’t hold back your talents for the fear of being judged, you are here to do great stuff, so go live it up… You Only Live Once!

Failure depends on how you take it (Fundamental Attribution Error): -

Broadly speaking, there are two types of responses to failure either externalizing the outcome and detaching it from your self-worth.

For example, saying that you did poorly in exam because the questions were difficult or that weather was bad is externalizing the outcome.

Or the other way is to dedicate your failure to internal factors within yourself and getting attached to the outcomes.

For example, saying you are stupid because you performed poorly in exams.

If you change your approach to accepting failure and externalize the outcome instead of getting attached to its results then you will see failure for what it is and move towards a brighter future with the knowledge that it’s okay to make mistakes but it doesn’t make you wrong, it’s only human!

Failure teaches you humility: -

Humility in response to an experience of failure, is at its core a form of therapy (Bradatan, 2016). Failure makes us see the grandiosity of the world, to be in awe of our planet earth.

When failure hits you, you have to realize that you needed to become this person and it brought you a little closer to what you thought you needed to become.

I have failed more times than I can recall in my life, everybody has, and failure makes us wonderful individuals. It makes us humble, it shows us that we are not in fact, invincible but we could be broken or torn apart. But these little broken parts of our being need not stay that way, and we can heal them.

We need to grasp the realization that we messed up, it is not about getting emotional or personal but when we admit our mistakes, it frees us. We can begin again as a newbie with an improved and novel plan to conquer our goals.

“What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” (Post Traumatic Growth): -

The ‘lure’ in Failure, is the fact that it makes you wiser, stronger (relationship-wise) and helps you better prioritize situations in future. Just as success is an inept teacher, failure is its opposite and teaches us the meaningful lessons that are needed to add beauty to our journeys.

 You can’t have a rainbow without a little rain ;)

It teaches us to be grateful for what we have as it could be lost forever in the blink of an eye.

“Today, you can dig up countless studies on the high failure rate of start-ups. One demoralizing study comes from CB Insights, which reveals that most new companies have a lifespan of only 20 months.

Whichever version of the grim truth you believe, it’s clear that the path of entrepreneurship is no easy one. No matter how carefully you plan, something is bound to go awry – and your only hope is to embrace, learn, and move on from your mistakes.” (Start-up-grind, 2017)

Also, the more hurt you experience in your heart, the happier you feel when joy finally ushers through its chambers.

Lastly, all these struggles make you value what is truly important for you in your lives, making you a wise and worthy individual filled with wisdom and virtue.

Fail-Forward: -

When we experience temporary setbacks, we have a choice either to stay where we are or to fail forward instead of backward.

If you are experiencing a setback or regression, do not fear that you are back at ground zero. Life is giving you an experience to grow. Remember, you’re simply going through a temporary phase that will pass, contributing to the evolution of your consciousness. - Joyce Marter.

We could take the leap of faith after a massive defeat; to be courageous and follow through on 100% of plans. Be passionate about your efforts and know it in your heart that this would yield the best possible future that is in store for you.

I would personally love to call failure my friend, because it is a continuous cycle of life, after failure comes success and sometimes after success comes failure (due to overconfidence) but mostly, no matter what we do, we don’t have any ultimate control over the outcome. We can only promise to work to the best of our abilities and only if the timing is right as success happens in its own merry time, our dreams do turn into reality. <3

Till then, just be happy and follow John Green’s anthem which says: - DFTBA (Don’t Forget To Be AwesomeJ). :) 

The sun must set to rise

New year resolutions…Resolutions are hard to keep, I have never been able to keep them, so at the beginning of this year, I decided to keep a vague new year resolution, vague as in a statement, a phrase that will run at the back of my mind, so my NY resolution for the year 2016 was 'loving myself, no matter what'

Oh boy! Little did I know, that the year which was to follow would be a difficult one.

And what does a difficult year teach us? Life lessons ;) :D :P

Speaking of which, the first lesson I learned this year:-

1) Positivity Offset- It means that positive experiences are actually more frequent than negative. There's scientific evidence to show that the distribution of good and bad events in people's lives, for the most part, favors the good.

So, just take notice of the positive events that are already there, it might not be about changing anything, but just noticing and appreciating things that are there. :D

2) Detours are not dead-ends- For a long time, I felt my life was going nowhere, that I had lost direction and was unable to see the distant future. Then as clichéd as it sounds, I realised that when you are lost, you really can create a new path for yourself. Everybody is on a unique journey with nobody to compare. So who decides, which paths are dead-ends?

“She initially started making YouTube videos to help her with her depression. While she had been busy toiling away at her undergraduate degree in Psychology & pondering a career in counselling, she decided to try her hand at YouTube. Hits quickly started flowing in and her mood lifted." Today she is the third highest -paid YouTube star of 2016, she is none other than Lilly Singh (|| superwoman ||).

 Inspirational isn't it?

Ultimately, there are no dead-ends just detours and every path is the right path, because it turned you into the person you are today & who you needed to become :) it's not about the destination, in fact, it is just about getting lost in the journey.

3) Acceptance, surrender, and letting go- Surrendering removes blocks and the exhaustion that comes from trying too hard and it helps you achieve goals more effortlessly. Though surrender is often considered counter-intuitive to success- it's wrongly associated with weakness and defeat- it can make you more powerful, intuitive, spiritually connected, uninhibited and ecstatically in the flow.

4) Experiencing Resilience- The positive emotions that we experience may seem fleeting and temporary, but they enable and build resilience in the long run. Resilience is like a muscle and it can grow when you experience positive emotions. Remember when you are going through a particularly hard time, there is always something you can change about your situation and if there is nothing you can do, then why worry? :D

5) When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and make everyone wonder how you did it :p - To be honest, the real motivation to grow develops from adversity, failure builds character and acts as a fire which is ignited to convert pain into efforts. All that is great, but all motivation ends once the goal is reached.So, let go of the outcome, forget 5-year plans - no seriously, does life ever happen according to your plans? And have the courage to be true to yourself and don't live the life others expect you to live, express your feelings, stay in touch with your friends and lastly let yourself be happy. (Always, because you deserve it ;))

REFERENCES

1) Fredrickson B. (2009) Ten positive emotions. Retrieved from :- https://www.coursera.org/learn/positive-psychology/lecture/JqaAf/ten-positive-emotions

2) Oppenheim M. (2016). Lilly Singh: How a 28 year old Canadian rapped and vlogged her way into the You Tuber's millionaire's club. Retrieved from :-https://www.google.co.in/amp/www.independent.co.uk/news/people/lilly-singh-youtube-highest-paid-richest-forbes-list-2016-a7458441.html%3Famp

3)Orloff J. (2014). The Ecstasy of Surrender. Retrieved from:-https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-ecstasy-surrender

How to stop taking things so personally.

Whenever I have any trouble, my first instinct is to run to Mr. Google J. It’s safe, anonymous, knows all my doubts and most importantly it won’t judge.

But there was one problem that I thought Google wasn’t able to answer properly.

So I decided to write about this. I have plenty of experiences in fact, it’s one of the biggest problems I suffer to this date. Here are my top five solutions which helped me move forward.

1)      Identify your Triggers- Everybody has their unique triggers, some people don’t like to be fat/body shamed, if someone calls us fat then they’re gone because what essentially is happening is that we have a tendency to over react to that situation due to some of our past wounds getting unblocked. You may also be triggered by anything you were ever bullied for in the past. The only way out is finding what caused you the trauma. Often finding what happened can be enough to know that it happened only because you weren’t emotionally the person you are today. Today you’re stronger, braver and have a choice.

2)      Think objectively, fairly & rationally when you’re feeling targeted- When we feel targeted, our emotions are overwhelming & we behave irrationally. To think rationally, my personal trick is – Divergent Thinking, whenever I think about too many intricate, complex thoughts- I switch to Maths! I start solving basic mathematics questions (not only a great confidence boost but also it puts your brain into thinking rationally, which helps to find the solution to your emotional problem). Reason being - the left brain works & thinking creatively (problem solving) is a function of both left and right brains.                        

      For those bored with doing Maths on a daily basis, switch to right-brained activities, like poetry, singing, dancing, cooking etcetera. Do whatever is different from your daily routine and you’ll find that once you change your thought process, your thoughts about your problem too will undergo transformation. 

3)      When another person makes you suffer , it is because he suffers deeply within himself , and his suffering is spilling over- Thich Nhat Hahn                                    

      Do not take things personally because often ( though not always ) people project their own lack onto us. For instance, a short example would be if someone accuses you of ( let’s say ) stealing sugar when you’re not stealing, it maybe because they’re stealing and are afraid that you too will steal just like them & in order to hide the attempt ( unconsciously )  put the blame on you. (The concept of projection can be applied to other extreme examples like jealousy in relationships.)

4)      Be Empathetic-I know that people who take things to heart are usually sensitive people & are empathetic by nature but sometimes when our emotions are involved we tend to internalize our empathetic side and end up nursing ourselves instead of understanding the viewpoint of others involved.                                                                                                               

      So when you’re taking things personally and are suffering beyond comprehension , step aside and then switch perspectives ,think from the viewpoint of your ‘supposed’ wrong-doer & understand that they’ve done the best they could have done ( given their mental frame and circumstances, which you’re not even aware of ,so they deserve the extra benefit of doubt , don’t they ?).

5)      Respond but do not react- Almost all the points I’ve mentioned earlier involve some kind of introspection. The ideal case scenario would be if you meditate but I understand that wouldn’t be a logical explanation when you’re experiencing the hurt and are in the heat of the moment.                                                                                                                                               

      So next time you’re faced with a scenario which demands your negative reaction, reply with humor (it almost always works). If someone criticizes your work, reply politely because you never know if someone is just giving you constructive criticism which can benefit you & besides it would be awkward if you cry when someone tells you to give better presentations. ;-)                                                                 A Bonus Point because you’re reading till the end J

6)      Self-Awareness- All being said and done, but hey! Why did you feel bad in the first place? Why did you get defensive?                                                                                                              

      It all leads to one thing (if you turn it around & that is self-awareness).What does it tell about you? That you're giving your power away to people way too easily.                                   

      You do not have to tolerate nuisance from other people. Set healthy boundaries, get to know yourself better & establish limits (don’t just give, give & give or take, take & take) Have a reciprocal, mutual, trustworthy relationship with others. And trust yourself too. J

So the next time, somebody makes a remark about you? – Like you look fat/tired/unprepared/ or are a miser/ pathetic looking / or are rejected for job or love.                       

  Ask yourself -> are you really that person (only you know it in your heart), let go of your faulty belief system. (In case, you’re still in doubt)

&

Once you are self-aware, nobody can harm you. J

My love to every person whoever is reading. A very Happy New Year 2016 J in advance. 

Life In Rosy Hues: 20 Things to do before you turn twenty

Life In Rosy Hues: 20 Things to do before you turn twenty: Turning 20 is almost like the end of an era ... the end of your teenage years... But luckily they ended after I could complete my bucket...

20 Things to do before you turn twenty

Turning 20 is almost like the end of an era ...
the end of your teenage years...
But luckily they ended after I could complete my bucket list.
Turning 20 means different things to different people, but few things which are common to all is that you become 'a solo bird' and form your 'individual identity' (and if you are lucky,you end up liking who you are becoming :-) )
p.s.-And here it is my Bucket List ...

1. Learn how to ride a bicycle ( I know it's basic ,but if you know how to ride it ,give yourself a thumbs up. (y) ! )
2. April fool someone every year :) (Make it grander & better each time).
3. Exercise                                                                                                                                            Your body isn't going to stay 18 forever and trust me endorphins do make you really happy. :-)                                                        
   
4. Join Yoga                                                                                                                                        And don't miss the laughing therapy. :-)
5. Trying the one food that has always grossed you out                                                    (Like the epic Baingan ka Bharta or Amla ka Morabba,anything you loathe.)
6. Travel ! ( Alone :-D )                                                                                                         Discover places you've never been before, celebrate nature and experience Vitamin D. ;-) 
7. Learning how much you can do when you cut out all distractions                    (Welcome to girls college :-D)
8. Buying yourself a pizza and eating it alone                                                                     It's fun :-D
9. Research your family tree                                                                                           (Google your surname history, you never know if you turn out to be the last son of the lost king, jk :-) )
10. Throwing a surprise party for someone you care about. <3
11. Learning to say ILY to your friends ...                                                                           (It's more difficult than you think ! )
12. Feeling like you've found a soul mate                                                                                 (For me it's you Sakshi Mehla <3)
13. Overcoming at least one big fear...                                                                                      (Fear of public speaking ? ... go to the stage and sing even if you've been asked to deliver a speech) or in my case, singing for an interview ;-)
14. Writing a love letter to yourself                                                                                             Write all your great qualities to yourself, years later when you open it, you remember all your greatest traits and feel incredibly good.
15. Start a journal                                                                                                                         Your diary writing habit is going to pay you off in the long run... ( For me it's ...5 years of diary writing and still many more years to come.)                                                                                                                  
    
16. Learn a foreign language                                                                                                     (Or any language or at least it's basics) you have apps,dictionaries and of course the internet for learning any new language.
17. Vote                                                                                                                                                    Hey! you are older than 18 and you haven't exercised your voting power yet? (Jaago jaago jaago re! and no I am not advertising Tata Tea.)
18. Do something non-conforming/setting a different kind of goal                           Go beyond your comfort zone,give more than you've been asked for,complete a job you hate and persist. (If you can do,any one of the above four ,people are going to remember you for a long time <3)
19. Fall in love <3                                                                                                                                                                                                
    
    I'd summarise this point with the song, 'SENORITA'..."Chahat ke do pal bhi,mil paaye duniya mein yeh bhi kam hai kya."
20. Start a Blog                                                                                                                              Back to square one! Do this and share your bucket list with us. :-)                                               Hope you enjoyed!